Funny Fat Old and Alone Memes
Looking for the best funny quotes and hilarious memes collection of witty funny sayings that are sure to put a smile on your face. Easy to read the list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. Perfect for sharing, blogging, and tweeting. Cast your vote for the best saying and see which phrases other people funny quotes collection of all time.
"Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and live for 150 years. Lesson learned."
"I do not have ducks. I do not have a row. I have squirrels, and they're at a rave."
"I hate that moment when you're tired and sleepy but as soon as you go to bed, your body is like Just Kidding."
"Every time we try and eat healthily, along comes Christmas, Easter, Summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us."
"Every day I arrive at work with good and a great attitude – then idiots happen."
"Music while doing homework. Music while cleaning my room. Music while working out. I get more things done with music… "
"What can I say… I swear like a sailor & use please & thank you like a saint… I'm complicated."
"Don't Bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up I will lick you."
"If you are Lonely, Dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, it won't feel like you're alone anymore."
Hilarious Quotes And Sayings – The Funny Messages
"Laughing is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you may need medicine."
TOP 4 WISHES:
1. To earn money
2. To be smart without studying
3. To love without being hurt.
4. To eat without getting fat.
"Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else!"
"When you're stressed, You eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, and sweets. Why? because stressed spelled backward I desserts."
"Sitting alone and enjoying your own company is Bebber than being surrounded by fake people."
"3 out of the 4 voices in my head want to sleep. Does the other one want to know if penguins have knees?"
"If Someone calls you 'ugly' have a good COMEBACK AND SAY 'EXCUSE ME, I AM NOT A MIRROR*."
A word to the wise ain't necessary – it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
-Bill Cosby
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
-Zach Galifianakis
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-Hedy Lamarr
Short Funny quotes and sayings about love memes
The reason they call it the American Dream is that you have to be asleep to believe it.
-George Carlin
I'm bi-winning. I win here, I win there.
-Charlie Sheen
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-Groucho Marx
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
-Buddy Hackett
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-Jim Carrey
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-H.L. Mencken
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
-Fred Allen
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
-Charles M. Schulz
There's an old saying in Hollywood: It's not the length of your film, it's how you use it.
-Ben Stiller
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
-Stephen Colbert
Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
-Dave Attell
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
-P.J. O'Rourke
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
-Will Rogers
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-Bob Hope
The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-Mark Twain
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
-Jay Leno
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
-Mae West
Funny Quotes — Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-Steven Wright
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
-Stephen Colbert
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
-Jay Leno
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
-P. J. O'Rourke
I play real sports…not trying to be the best at exercising.
-Kenny Powers
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
-Fran Lebowitz
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
-Mark Twain
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
-Erma Bombeck
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-George Burns
Short funny phrases for funny images with quotes
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller
They move so slowly. I know there's global warming but that's a fast process compared to getting the government to actually do anything.
-Larry Miller
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
-Stephen King
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
-Warren Buffett
Giving up smoking is easy…I've done it hundreds of times.
-Mark Twain
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
-W. C. Fields
I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
-Joe E. Lewis
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
-Stephen Fry
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
-Samuel Goldwyn
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